Perfectionism

"Perfectionism has nothing to do with being perfect"

Seth Godin

Working as a psychologist, I have learnt that what drives our ‘perfectionism’ is not 'to be perfect', but to please others, avoid punishment, and be accepted. In childhood, we learn that getting things right and not making mistakes pleased our parents, teachers, and elders. When we got it right we won their approval, which made us feel more connected and safe. They also might reward us. Stuffing things up and failing made our parents, teachers, and elders anxious, sad, or angry, and they often punished us for getting things wrong. Children constantly exposed to reward and punishment can grow into adults driven to aim for ‘perfect’.

No one is always a perfectionist, just like no one is always a loser, a winner, or any other label that describes a pattern of behaviour or way of thinking. Perfectionism is a mindset we employ some of the time, usually when we are anxious or experiencing strong emotions about past relationships.

Perfectionism is the story we can adopt as a child to help deal with a difficult relationship. However, as an adult, trying to be perfect is no longer helpful. In fact, it can be harmful.

If you need a new strategy to free yourself from the burden of perfectionism, therapy may help.