How to Navigate Anger in Relationships
Anger is a feeling
The feeling of anger arises when you think someone has hurt you. An anger response lets that person know you are upset with what they have done. When anger is expressed calmly and respectfully to the person you are angry with, it communicates your emotional, social, and physical boundaries and needs.
When anger becomes a problem in relationships
The problem with anger is when we mix it with overly protective behaviours such as aggression or thought patterns such as hatred.
Aggression: No place in relationships
When anger is expressed through aggression, you are no longer expressing anger; you are using aggression to get even with the person you feel anger toward. In relationship counselling, psychologists help clients recognise their ‘anger confusion’. Many of us grew up in households where anger was seen as a ‘bad’ feeling, and it was only good or justified to retaliate against injustice. However, retaliation is not an expression of anger; it is aggression dressed up as payback. Over time, clients lose their ability to differentiate anger from aggression, and this is when seeking relationship or couples counselling can help partners regain their ability to feel and ‘see’ their anger through a healthy lens.
Hatred is not the answer
Hatred is a protective action (i.e., defence) we use when we have given up on working together, reconciliation, and re-connection. When I feel hatred, the feeling can be so intense that I want distance and disconnection from
what has happened in the relationship
how I think and feel about myself
the people who have hurt me
Hatred also tends to keep my anger trapped inside of me. Our defensive responses can often hurt us more than they can help us. Hatred does not solve problems because it is as misguided as aggression. In relationships, especially in couple relationships, aggression and hatred can equally erode good will, trust, and respect between partners.
Denying or repressing anger does not work
Occasionally, some clients may find anger intolerable. They feel afraid of feeling angry and refuse to acknowledge anger as a feeling for them. This denial of anger not only reduces their self-acceptance (as anger is a natural human emotion), but it also reduces their acceptance when others show them anger for relationship repair and reconnection.
When our clients experience ‘anger denial’ during a counselling session, psychologists often see their suffering through their internal pain. Somehow, by denying a part that is human, they are denying part of themselves. Consequently, their effort to deny anger often increases their feeling of hate.
Can therapy help with anger in relationships?
Effective therapy sessions can help clients unlearn their unhealthy anger patterns and learn new ways to express anger assertively and calmly and improve relationships.
If you can take the path of allowing anger, being honest, and acting assertively, then you are more ready to speak for yourself, be heard, and connect with the people who respect your values and worth.
Questions to ponder:
● Is disliking something your partner does the same as disliking something about them?
● If your partner tells you they dislike something you do and asks you to consider their position in this, how likely are you
○ to stay calm?
○ view it as a joint problem?
○ take it as a personal criticism?
○ respond to your partner in an aggressive manner?
● Can you think of a scenario where anger was expressed calmly and assertively, allowing all parties to move forward without damaging the relationship?
● Can you recall scenarios where you used anger to justify aggression to get even in a relationship and vice versa?
● Can you remember a time when anger was denied in your family because it was seen as a negative emotion?
If you and your relationships are affected by some of the anger issues discussed in this blog, consider reaching out to a relationship therapist, counsellor, or psychologist.
Jerodine Newman is a psychologist with Koira Psychology, based at Varsity Lakes on the Gold Coast. Jerodine offers relationship and couples counselling and individual therapy.
